In the Moment

Hi, my name is Nancy, and I’m trying really hard to learn to Be in the Moment.

You see, I’m a rusher.  I’m always looking toward the next thing.  As I’m getting ready to go somewhere, I’m thinking about the event.  While I’m at the event, I’m thinking about the stories I will tell my friends about the event, and how am I getting home.  

Reading, I often skim the first line of paragraphs to get the “gist” of what’s going on, delving deeper if it seems to be important, or scintillatingly juicy (in the trashy novel genre).

Working on a project, I’m thinking about lunch.  Eating lunch, I’m thinking about what I have to do on the project after.

Funny story, I was writing this in my head this morning while I was putting on my makeup, and stabbed myself right in the eye with my mascara wand.  Karma, right?  You get the gist.

Though this tendency has enabled me to be crowned the “Queen of good enough”, as with other things, I’m no longer sure this is “good enough”.

So I’ve been trying the last couple of weeks to check in now and then.  To say to myself “stop, be in this moment” and to actually do it.  I didn’t mention this earlier because I didn’t want you guys to hold me accountable if it was too hard to do.  :-)

You read about “being in the moment”.  It’s the holy grail of Happiness, Weight Loss, Inner Peace and Stress Reduction.  So when I engaged in this, I pictured moments like in the scene from the Twilight series where Edward sparkles in the filtered sunlight, with the Gospel Choir from the Chrysler commercial providing background music.  And guess what?  The first couple of times I consciously did it, the moment was wonderful.  I was in awe, and wondered why didn’t I do this before?  Look at all I was missing!  That color is so rich, that laugh so bubbly, this tastes incredible, has the sky always been that blue? Just look at the amazing people I’m with!

Then along came a moment, and without thinking I decided to actually look at it, and lets just say….it sucked.   I could see it clearly, in great detail, like in triple HD.  The colors were so sharp, the vise around my heart so tight and unrelenting, I tasted bile in my throat, and the sun was behind a dark foreboding cloud.  Starkly apparent were the people that were missing and would never be physically present again.  All the hype for “being in the moment” didn’t mention: what do you do when the moments suck?

One benefit of rushing means you don’t take a good look at anything, so though you don’t get the full effect of the beauty, you also don’t get the full effect of the bad stuff.   Picture Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory in the episode where he believes he is the flash.  Lots of “Bazinga” but nothing really touched him.  This technique has gotten me through some tough times “good enough”.

But as in painting, only doing “good enough” often means you have to go back and fix something, and perhaps back again, and again, until you finally have it right. 

We helped my daughter and PSIL (Perfect Son In Law) with their new house (I’m so freakin proud of them!) this weekend.  I was promoted from “totally banned from painting even primer unless the primer matches the ceiling paint” to “is allowed to paint with adult supervision”.   Know how?  I was in the moment.  I paid attention, I looked at what I was doing, I focused on how the color covered the old paint, I tried very hard (sometimes failed) to go slow so that things would feather in nicely, and the ceiling would remain mostly white.   There was very little that needed to be touched up when I was done.  ( I can provide references if you don’t believe me).

Someone posted the following on facebook a few weeks ago:

                “Nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know – Pema Chodron”

I don’t know about you, but I have a list of things I wished would just go away, now, please.  It occurred to me that maybe this was like painting, that because in the original moment, and any of the trigger moments (you know those that hit you upside the head unawares and make you sob like a crazy person in the middle of the Christmas Tree Shop?), I didn’t pay attention.  I wasn’t in the moment, I rushed away onto the next very important thing I had to do, so there were “holidays” or more probably whole “walls” that needed to be touched up.  OK, there are a few emotional rooms that only have a foot square sample painted on the wall.

What do you do when you are in the moment, and the moment sucks?  Another of my favorite quotes is “If you feel like you’re going through hell, keep moving!”.  You breathe.  Inhale, Exhale.  You fill all your senses with as much of it as you can take, and then let it go.  It’s kind of like going through labor, and like labor, does not last forever.  And if you can only take some of it today, then good job for doing what you could!  But know, there will be more to do on another day.  But that’s OK.

So, my friends, I declare for me that 2013, I’m tossing “rushing” so much.  I’m going to treasure Being In The Moment more, even when it sucks.  I believe that filling myself with the Beautiful moments, will give me the reserves I need to deal with the Ugly ones, and truly looking at the Ugly ones, will help me appreciate the Beautiful ones even more.

And may I ditch the title “Queen of good enough”.  Wish me luck! 

Stepping Back and The Clean Plate Club

In karate class, one of the first things we teach brandy new white belts is to Step Back.

You’d think that was obvious, even common-sense-ical:  if someone is coming at you, what do you do? Get out of the way - Duh! (Said in my best Napoleon Dynamite voice).

What we are actually trying to teach them is to get a good look at the situation, and be in a stable place to take the action you choose to take in response to the attack.  (Of course, you need to do this in approximately 2 seconds – not a problem, right? )

This concept is one of the hardest for them to learn.  I’ve tried restating it in different ways, making them repeat it over and over again like a bunch of gi-wearing parrots, and beating them with a pink pool noodle.  As soon as you add in anything more to the drill, the whole “Get out of Dodge” of it all is the first to go.  Big John is the only one that can get them to move; I guess when the fist is the size of your face, your instincts take over.

Stay with me here, I'll connect it in a moment.

Many of us are about to celebrate Thanksgiving – a time set aside to remember, and to be grateful for all of our Blessings.  Norman Rockwell painted us a beautiful rendition of what Thanksgiving looks like: plenty of wholesome homemade food, angelic children,  adults with a twinkle in their eye, sunshine, rainbows, unicorns…etc.

What it really ends up looking like is a large group of people crowding into a tight space eating too much food, and sometimes drinking too many delicious beverages.  Add to that Football and apple pie, and tell me: why do we expect it to just go well?   Why are we surprised that we get slammed by the "Holiday" of it all if we just stand there, and let it hit us?

If you are blessed with any family other than mine (HI GUYS) then there just may be a reason you don’t see these people more often.  Blood alone is not enough to give you something in common to talk about, and self-imposed drama makes me want to bathe in hand sanitizer.   People may have a different opinion than you, and, horror of horrors, may actually voice it.  Rising sugar levels in our blood stream, followed by the inevitable crash, and sleep-inducing Turkey would make anyone turn into a cranky toddler – and I’m usually the first to my blankie.

Just because you are invited to a situation, does not mean you have to engage.   Sometimes the wiser choice is to take a step back, take a look at it from a different perspective, before deciding what action to take.  If crazy Uncle Norman truly believes that we should all stock up our Bunkers in anticipation of the end of the world, do you really think you’re going to convince him he’s wrong in the time between the turkey and dessert?    How about taking a step back, and asking him what supplies does he feel you should start with?  Or even better, take him out for a cup of coffee several times during the year, and listen.  Just because David farts and then giggles (and yes, he is an adult) why do you have to stand there and smell it?  How about trying to find common ground, and sharing stories that can be handed down (did you hear the one about Uncle Norman and the Bunker?) like our grandparents did for us?  Let's Step Back, and see what makes us Family, what connections we can make, or repair, what Blessings we can add for next year.

As for a different type of Stepping Back: I was brought up a card bearing member of the “Clean your plate” club.  In fact, we had to repeat a poem from my Grandfather’s Primary Reader, if we didn’t want to finish something on our plate:

You must not throw upon the floor the crust you cannot eat

For many a little hungry ones would think it quite a treat.

Your parents labor hard, to give you wholesome food

And you must never waste a bit that would do others goooood. (rhymes with “food”)

For willful waste makes woeful want and you might live to say:
“How I wish I had the Lima beans/squash/mushrooms  (GROSS) that once I threw away”.

And then we still had to finish it.

 

We can apply our theory with this too:  perhaps we need to Step Back from our plate.  Just because we are invited to have mashed potatoes, and gravy, and roasted potatoes, and stuffing, and squash, and bean casserole, and dinner rolls, and pumpkin pie, and apple pie, and ginger bread, and cranberry sauce, and oh yes some Turkey, does not mean we have to say yes to it all - or to seconds.  Sometimes it’s better to take a step back, choose those special dishes you really love that you don’t get any other time, and fully and blissfully enjoy those.

So what am I Treasuring this week?  My fabulous wonderful family, that grew larger by one and smaller by one this year.  Oh, and stepping back, looking for “common” and “helpful” and “funny” - while avoiding David's farts.

What am I Tossing? My membership to the Clean Plate Club.  And to appease my grandfather, the food will not be wasted – that’s why I have two dogs :-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Boundaries and The Cape

Hi, my name is Nancy, and I hate it when people touch my hair.

It feels like a mixture of “fingernails down a blackboard” and when someone passes through you – that horrible, creepy chill.  My friends think this is very odd.  Most of them equate someone running their fingers through their hair more like 50 shades of Grey than Amityville Horror.  It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyways), if you are a hair stylist that I have returned to, consider that a very big complement (Hi Miss M!).

What it boils down to is: Boundaries.  My whackadoodle boss (we’ll call her Big H which is funny because she’s smaller than me in every way) loaned me a book on Boundaries - I think that crossed one of mine.  I felt like I couldn’t say “No” without her looking down her nose at me and thinking “Oh, she doesn’t want to fix that…..”  But after reading 37% of it according to my Kindle, I think I have a handle on it.  Let me clarify: I did not have a traumatic childhood.  For me, I feel people discount my “No”. 

 
According to http://www.merriam-webster.com: the Definition of NO is: an act or instance of refusing or denying by the use of the word no : denial <received a firm no in reply>

In case that isn’t clear:

Synonyms: never, none, nothing, noway Jose, Nope, Nuh-uh

Just so that you know, I’m not really a freak (at least in this case LOL).  What would happen if you ran up to a strange dog, and decided to pat it and cuddle it, and ruffle its ears?  If it did not run away in fright, it would probably bite you.  So why is it so hard to understand that people have boundaries, and you should take as much care with them as with a strange Irish Wolfhound?

I have been studying karate for years, and I have no boundary issues at the dojo.   I remember working with a boy who was in high school with my daughter.  (He is now all grown up, and is a stand-up comedian – Hi MeatRack!).  He looked up at me from the floor where I had dumped him and said, “You know, it occurred to me that my friends might think it weird that I’m grappling with K’s mother”.  The reason I have no issues there is:  Permission.    Stepping on that floor, I give permission.  Before working with anyone, we bow, giving each other permission.  And at any time, I can say no, and have it backed up by people who can dismember you and make it look like an accident.  (Oops, they tripped and their arms and legs fell off!).  The dojo is my safe place: if there is ever a zombie invasion that’s where you will find me.

The other day my Daughter was explaining to me what she wanted to do with her hair.   “Don’t freak,” she said, “I’m going to touch your hair.  This is what I want to do, then, don’t freak, underneath here I’ll change it like so, and then, don’t freak, over here, like that.”   It was really kind of funny because I could not see what she was doing at all - she was showing me on the back of my head. 

But it did show that A) she respected my boundaries and B) she gave me the opportunity to say No, even though C) I shouldn’t have boundaries with my daughter and D) she thinks I’m crazy.  (I know you will all look forward to my post on how “should” was outlawed back in 2005.)

A few people have tried to fix me.  They believe that I would get over this silliness if they just wore me down.   Then there are those that believe it’s not real, that I’m just doing it to support some devious hidden agenda.  So they sneak up on me to prove it’s not really a knee-jerk reaction.  It is a funny phrase “knee-jerk reaction”, right?  It is so accurate though - because at just those times I feel like kneeing the jerk.

However, if my friend has an issue I consider silly/illogical/not good for them, I usually swoop in wearing my super woman cape and my underwear outside my tights to save the day.  You see I have this fabulous power that enables me to look at your life, and see exactly what you are doing wrong, and how best to fix it!  I get frustrated when people choose not to listen to me, and even more so when they knee me…..oh wait.

Boundaries go both ways.  So if I want people to respect mine, then I guess I need to respect theirs?  No matter how silly?  No matter if they are missing out on 50 shades?

So this week, I’m choosing to Treasure my boundaries, and the friends who honor them, especially those who do even though they don’t get it, and I will do my best to honor theirs.  As for the cape, I’m Tossing it ……well, maybe I’ll just put it away in cedar chest for safe keeping, in case anyone is looking for a super hero someday.  The underwear outside the tights – well that’s a topic for another day.

Treasure it or Toss it

Hi!  My name is Nancy, and I have no clue what I am doing.

The other day one of my Facebook friends posted something that made me pause:

                “Nothing ever goes away until

                          it teaches us what we need to know.”  - Pema Chadron

My first reaction was Sugar Honey Iced Tea! (That’s how I used to swear when my kids were little, they finally figured it out when they were teenagers LOL).   Is that why I don’t lose weight? Is that why I work for a crazy person and have a gawd-awful commute?  Is that why I’m stuck?

Tell me what I’m supposed to learn, and I’ll ACE it baby!

The good news is, when I toss a question out to the Universe, I usually get an answer.

The bad news also is, when I toss a question out to the Universe, I usually get an answer.  Ugh.

Clear as the “shouldn’t have when you’re 51” acne on my face I realized: I’m not learning the lesson.  I’m not doing the work.  I’m not even looking at the text book.

If I had a nickel for every “Self-Help” or “Lose weight and look awesome” or “Magic workout” or “Find your perfect career so you will love your life” book that I have bought, and Sometimes read, but did not do the work suggested, well I’d have at least $500.   It seems that somewhere in my brain, I think if I pay for the book, I don’t have to do the work.  Like some special form of Osmosis, I will have work that feels like play every day, a yoga body, and the emotional and spiritual grace to handle such wonderfulness – all for just one payment of $19.99.

Being a logical, mostly mathematically oriented person, I put two and two together and got oh damn.

Step 1 – Look at it.

I read an article this morning about someone who made herself wear everything in her closet for a whole day at work once before deciding to Toss it, or Treasure it.  She had some eye opening experiences: the classy expensive wool tweed shift really made her feel dowdy; a colorful blouse she’d had for years still looked fresh, and she felt good when she wore it; the distressed leather biker jacket had to go along with her 20’s and going out at 3 AM to see bands.  She would decide at the end of the day if the item supported who she really was and how she wanted to be seen, or not.  If it did, it stayed, if it did not, it was tossed (or sold, in her case – I guess she had some pretty awesome stuff).

It occurred to me (thanks to the metaphysical dope slap) that my closet is a metaphor for my life.  Just as I still have that fabulous patchwork and glitter vest from the 80’s in my closet, I have habits, beliefs, personality traits that may have served me well (emphasis on May Have) in my 20’s.  Do they still serve me, do they still fit me now?  When I “put them on”, is the person I see in the mirror someone I like and respect, the person I want the world to see?  Are there new things that I have not been able to get because I had no room for them?

For me it’s easy to just keep beliefs, habits, a “Plan” without really looking at them.  Anyone who knows me knows I fight change like a dog wrecks a pillow (story for another day): it may be old, it may be broken, it may do me more harm than good, but it’s MINE dammit.  Letting go is not something I’m good at.  But they all take up space that maybe could be better served for something new – or just more breathing space.  A mixture of background noise and clutter, they are there but not really there.  The energy spent “dusting” what no longer serves me could be better spent tending to what does.  Right?

When I read something that inspires me, I like to share it.  Often, it’s not a concept that I’ve accepted or accomplished, but one that I need to work on.  Somehow saying it “out loud” even virtually, makes it stick around a little longer, reminds me to look at it a little deeper, with the nagging knowledge that someone might show up on my Facebook doorstep and say: you know that theory you posted? How’s it going with that?

So I figured I’d drag you along, as I pick something, try it fully on, wear it for a time, and see how it fits.  I’d really like to hear your stories too, if you have any wisdom to share, or empathy, or if you need some of either.  Together we will figure out one by one what is Treasure, and what needs to be Tossed – and then maybe how to actually do that.