Boundaries and The Cape

Hi, my name is Nancy, and I hate it when people touch my hair.

It feels like a mixture of “fingernails down a blackboard” and when someone passes through you – that horrible, creepy chill.  My friends think this is very odd.  Most of them equate someone running their fingers through their hair more like 50 shades of Grey than Amityville Horror.  It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyways), if you are a hair stylist that I have returned to, consider that a very big complement (Hi Miss M!).

What it boils down to is: Boundaries.  My whackadoodle boss (we’ll call her Big H which is funny because she’s smaller than me in every way) loaned me a book on Boundaries - I think that crossed one of mine.  I felt like I couldn’t say “No” without her looking down her nose at me and thinking “Oh, she doesn’t want to fix that…..”  But after reading 37% of it according to my Kindle, I think I have a handle on it.  Let me clarify: I did not have a traumatic childhood.  For me, I feel people discount my “No”. 

 
According to http://www.merriam-webster.com: the Definition of NO is: an act or instance of refusing or denying by the use of the word no : denial <received a firm no in reply>

In case that isn’t clear:

Synonyms: never, none, nothing, noway Jose, Nope, Nuh-uh

Just so that you know, I’m not really a freak (at least in this case LOL).  What would happen if you ran up to a strange dog, and decided to pat it and cuddle it, and ruffle its ears?  If it did not run away in fright, it would probably bite you.  So why is it so hard to understand that people have boundaries, and you should take as much care with them as with a strange Irish Wolfhound?

I have been studying karate for years, and I have no boundary issues at the dojo.   I remember working with a boy who was in high school with my daughter.  (He is now all grown up, and is a stand-up comedian – Hi MeatRack!).  He looked up at me from the floor where I had dumped him and said, “You know, it occurred to me that my friends might think it weird that I’m grappling with K’s mother”.  The reason I have no issues there is:  Permission.    Stepping on that floor, I give permission.  Before working with anyone, we bow, giving each other permission.  And at any time, I can say no, and have it backed up by people who can dismember you and make it look like an accident.  (Oops, they tripped and their arms and legs fell off!).  The dojo is my safe place: if there is ever a zombie invasion that’s where you will find me.

The other day my Daughter was explaining to me what she wanted to do with her hair.   “Don’t freak,” she said, “I’m going to touch your hair.  This is what I want to do, then, don’t freak, underneath here I’ll change it like so, and then, don’t freak, over here, like that.”   It was really kind of funny because I could not see what she was doing at all - she was showing me on the back of my head. 

But it did show that A) she respected my boundaries and B) she gave me the opportunity to say No, even though C) I shouldn’t have boundaries with my daughter and D) she thinks I’m crazy.  (I know you will all look forward to my post on how “should” was outlawed back in 2005.)

A few people have tried to fix me.  They believe that I would get over this silliness if they just wore me down.   Then there are those that believe it’s not real, that I’m just doing it to support some devious hidden agenda.  So they sneak up on me to prove it’s not really a knee-jerk reaction.  It is a funny phrase “knee-jerk reaction”, right?  It is so accurate though - because at just those times I feel like kneeing the jerk.

However, if my friend has an issue I consider silly/illogical/not good for them, I usually swoop in wearing my super woman cape and my underwear outside my tights to save the day.  You see I have this fabulous power that enables me to look at your life, and see exactly what you are doing wrong, and how best to fix it!  I get frustrated when people choose not to listen to me, and even more so when they knee me…..oh wait.

Boundaries go both ways.  So if I want people to respect mine, then I guess I need to respect theirs?  No matter how silly?  No matter if they are missing out on 50 shades?

So this week, I’m choosing to Treasure my boundaries, and the friends who honor them, especially those who do even though they don’t get it, and I will do my best to honor theirs.  As for the cape, I’m Tossing it ……well, maybe I’ll just put it away in cedar chest for safe keeping, in case anyone is looking for a super hero someday.  The underwear outside the tights – well that’s a topic for another day.